Our Benidorm Experience - Written by Peter Mulleady

The adventures of Jonah and Pavarotti (the Benidorm trip).

We all arrived at lunchtime on Saturday at Gin Pit. Even the Paparazzi turned up. It turned out one of them had married one of our members, Paula Radcliffe (so called because of her high mileage training). The dirty (bakers) dozen. I suppose alarm bells should have been ringing then at the 13 in our party. A bit of A&T last minute preparation, a few drinks in the bar, and we were on our way to the Airport. We eventually got checked in after a peculiar episode where a lady from Monarch Airlines tried to divert us from the main check in. With hindsight I think she had spotted Jonah and was trying to save the plane. Jonah was a bit nervous as he hadn’t flown for some time, September the 11th 2001 to be precise. Bruce Forsyth managed to check in his hand luggage and was charged a tenner for the privilege. We somehow got through the scanning machines, minus a few belongings and then it was carbo loading time and take advantage of the free coffee refills. Pavarotti decided that the offer was too good to miss and set about emptying the coffee machine. Then it was time to board the plane. Perhaps my sixth sense was kicking in but I asked whether any of us could fly a plane and found out that one of us could, Bear Grylls. Fairly uneventful flight until the plane started to descend and then we had the Jonah effect. There were very strong winds over Spain and the last 15 minutes or so were like a cross between Bungee jumping and the Apollo 13 mission. Somehow we survived and then we picked up the cars to drive to Benidorm. The chauffeur, who shall remain nameless, managed to check out all the local roads apart from the right one (Bruce was well impressed). Anyway eventually the chauffeur got us on the right road via some kerbs using the following navigation skills “as long as the sea is on our right and we don’t end up in it we will get there”. Our next Jonah moment as the wind tried to blow us off the road and down some very big drops either side. Up ahead there was a bright glow on the mountain. As we got closer we realised the mountain was on fire. As we arrived in Benidorm apart from the smoke the wind was blowing up a sand storm. The Benidorm half was looking like it would be the race from hell. Even the traffic lights in Benidorm weren’t working properly, they kept showing red when they should have been green, but this didn’t put off the chauffeur. We got to the hotel and checked in. Apart from the water not working (Jonah) the hotel was good. Jonah liked the shampoo and gel provided so much that he bought some himself from the supermarket the next day. After some food that the hotel had saved for us it was time for the Parrot show. They are so famous that people come from all over the world just to have their pictures taken with them. Even Bruce got in on the act. Their popularity nearly got them killed though as demolition Dora (aka the human recking ball) tried to get their autographs. The stage was completely destroyed as she tripped and the Parrots were all over the place. As they say the show must go on and eventually Manilow and company were up to their tricks. One of them could do calculations with numbers given by the audience and ring a bell with the answer. Pavarotti tried to throw him by shouting out 69. The presenter said too high, he is not a computer, and Bruce promptly helped out by shouting 79, no wonder he no longer does play your cards right. Funnily enough 2 of the other Parrots thought Pavarotti was shouting at them and showed that they had read the Karma Sutra. When the Parrots were gone it was time for the big dance off. In one corner we had Rocky, the pride of France, and in the other the local champion Salvador Dali (aka complete nutter). The tensions were high and Rocky decided Salvador was after his title and the 2 fingers were out (there would have been more but that’s all he had). Rocky had to be dragged away by his partner but spotted Paparazzo on his way out and had a go at him also. Meanwhile Salvador was trying his very best to impress a pillar on the dance floor with his skills. When the pillar didn’t respond to his advances he went off in search of Rocky. The music would go off at times and the lights would flicker but when Jonah went there were no problems. Overnight the power went off and there was someone knocking on doors (I think it was Salvador in search of Rocky) but we generally managed a good nights sleep.

We all got up early the next morning keen to race but on our way to get our numbers another runner told us the race was off. Undaunted we went to the town hall and Paparazzo took our photos with the trophies we would have won. Paula was devastated, all those months of training gone to waste. Yul Brynner even managed to get on the podium with his trophy. We decided to have a run anyway and it looked like most of the other 500 entrants thought likewise. Pavarotti wanted more of a challenge so he decided to include some long jump practice. When we finished laughing we checked he was ok. He was fine and said he had just not quite got the technique right (chin first). Then it was back to the hotel for some more carbo loading before the main event, the drinking. Any bar that sold Guinness was on the menu so naturally the Guinness bar was first. Eventually we staggered back to the hotel for something to eat before we were out again to sample the evening entertainment. In one club the comedian took a shine to Yul. Yul tried not give away who he was by saying he came from a place called Wiganish. Paparazzo also came in for some abuse. We also saw what I would say is the worst act I have ever seen in my life called Shoe Waddy Waddy. Think 3 pillocks picked at random and put on stage with no practice. Well they were even worse. We wandered into KFC for something to eat and eventually got back at 4am.

The next day I decided I wanted to try and get up the mountain you could see from the hotel. Nobody else wanted to come except for Jonah. By now it was clear he was cursed. The previous day he had nearly caused 4 road crashes and had a serious attempt on Yul’s life. I tried my best to lose him by climbing over walls, through undergrowth, under gates, down drainage channels, through the tip and I even tried to divert him by the motorway. But to no avail. Then we both nearly got taken out by a lorry while looking the wrong way. We managed to make base camp of the hill of pain but then headed back. Unfinished business for next time. Back at the hotel another lethal idea from Jonah. Why not have a swim in the outside pool. When my heart started beating again after jumping in I decided it was way too cold. Meanwhile Bear had decided 1 mountain was way too easy and had decided to take on the whole range. 5 hours later he staggered into the hotel gasping for water. That afternoon we had a little drive out to Calpe, a lovely spot just up the coast. In the evening there was some excellent entertainment including the three tenors. Pavarotti was not impressed, as his place had been taken by Jeremy Beadle, so later he decided to show us how it should be done. For some reason Chocolate Salty Balls seemed to clear the Karaoke bar and there was just us left. Most of us had a go but just as Jonah was about to have a go the Karaoke finished. We managed to sign up the Karaoke girl, Sam, to A&T as she was from Manchester. Back to KFC and then back to the hotel for 5am.

By the next day we were all very much the worse for wear. One of us decided to dress up as one of the Blues Bros in tribute to one of the acts the previous night. In the afternoon we had decided to go Go-carting. Chauffeur started with his usual loop of Benidorm before eventually getting in the right area. For some reason there was a no entry sign on the right road so the chauffeur took an executive decision. Bear decided he wanted to keep his licence and went the other way. Half an hour later and by several detours both cars managed to get to the go-carting track. Trouble was they weren’t at the same track. Anyway the €12 track won out v the €25 one. The race was won by the Blues Bro after Pavarotti stopped halfway to catch the bus. We then made our way to the Airport. Jonah decided he needed to get up to date with the news so he bought a 3 day old paper. He very nearly bought the latest copy of Runners World until he realised he couldn’t read Spanish. Then it was the flight to Manchester and minibus back home. We will be back again but probably not as per Jonah’s suggestion that we go by boat.